Saying Goodbye.

So, last night was a turning point for me. Not a jubiliant, HUZZAH shouting turning point, but one which I think (I hope!) will be good in the long run. Though the tears that have been letting loose all morning show that at least for now, it’s gonna hurt. A lot. And the little girl that's inside of me is just throwing this tantrum in response to all that's been going on. So instead of breaking things or driving somewhere far far away and two stars to the right (gas is still just a little high to be filling up my Escape with every long-distance whim I get), I decided that the turmoil causing the inner tantrum needs to be voiced. And thus it can go away.

It started out with going through a dark week last week – where nothing goes right and you feel like the powers of all that is evil in the world are combined against you. Not so fun, shall we say! And the one person I needed to talk to, was being elusive, evasive, and just not there when I needed him. This caused a lot of self-analysis, because all of my emotions were just screaming out – YOU NEED HIM, when in actuality, I really didn’t. I could survive without him. And I did. (Score: Leah 1. Her emotions: 0) If he had been there, we would have talked and I would have received the wise counsel I needed and the knowledge that someone was there for me during a hard time. But he wasn’t. And that’s what started this whole thing.

I was just going to disappear off of his radar without so much as another word as to why I was completely frustrated and emotionally distraught over him. But, I couldn’t do that. I need closure. So I called him. We played the phone tag game again until about 11:45 at night, when he called. I debated whether or not I wanted to answer, and right before it went to voicemail, I answered. We talked about everything – from the heckfire I went through last week to why I was so irritated and hurt where he was concerned. It comes down to this: I care about him so much and I want so many different things from him, and he’s not there with me. Am I his friend? Most definitely. Does he care? Thankfully, yes. But beyond that, it’s no-man’s land for him. He just can’t go there, and I understand that. If it’s not there, you can’t force it, fake it, or buy it. So there it is. He told me I need to relax, to let him go, to just end this for now. I won’t be able to find what I need as long as I have this hope with him. So, let’s just take away the hope. Literally. And he was right. I already knew that and had already decided that. But it still hurts.

Some days I just wonder when I will get a break. I mean, this isn’t new to me. I’ve dealt with this sort of thing before. Just not with someone who was so close to me in so many ways. And I think that’s what’s hurting right now. Because normally when I feel this way, I call him. And I can’t. Not now. And probably not for a while.

Saying goodbye. It’s what you need to do to break free, to close that chapter of your life. Those preface chapters are still there, a part of you, but you move on- the pages turn. And you know it’s right, and you know it’s time, and though saying the word ‘bye – and meaning it- can just tear the heart up, that’s just what needs to be said. Nothing more, nothing less. But if you need to have some wallow music for the “saying goodbye” aftershocks and wallowing period, I recommend the following, from personal experience, to soothe the wounded soul: (and no mocking allowed as to where these come from, because it’s the WORDS that matter!)

Gotta Go My Own Way – High School Musical 2
Almost Lover – A Fine Frenzy
I Will Remember You – Ryan Cabrera
If We Were a Movie – Hannah Montana
Goodbye to You – Michelle Branch
Me Voy – Julieta Venegas
Hate – Plain White T’s
Sozzi- Letting Go
Les Miserables – On My Own
Leave the Pieces - The Wreckers

Any other suggestions? What do you listen to when you say goodbye?