The Rediscovery of One's Self

The other night I was enjoying a night of giddy, innocent, school girl fun. I haven't done that in years. My co-conspirator, Megan, and I ran outside during a microburst rainstorm and subsequently got completely, totally, and undeniably drenched. And because there were big puddles surrounding us, and as we were already dripping wet, we went puddle splashing as well. It was most entertaining, given that we were both wearing flip flops and somewhat decent clothes. But when there are puddles and frolicking in the rain, those are just mere details to be overlooked.

When we had enough of jaunting outside (or rather, when the storm cleared and the sun came back out), we changed into pj's and curled up on those big comfy couches that are smushed in just the right way after years of being sat on. We had about an hour to kill before the premier of High School Musical 2 - the entire reason we were doing this shin-dig and probably the reason we were in such a mood. My friend pulled out a game called Table Topics and we proceeded to play. This game is not a normal "I WIN" game, nor is it one for the weak-minded. It requires you to ask questions back and forth to each other, with both parties answering completely and honestly. At least, as honest as you want to be. It has the ridiculous types of questions that are completely nonsensical (and as such, right up my alley), such as your favorite part of Thanksgiving Dinner (the correct answer being the turkey sandwiches you make the day after!). Some questions delve into the deeper areas of who we are, what we want out of life, and so on. Simply thinking about these questions and formulating a single response sheds an enormous amount of insight into ourselves and the person playing with you. The best part of the game was seeing how alike Megan and I are, and we were able to have some good discussions based on these "get to know you" questions that someone put together and sold for $25.00 a case.

The funny thing is that while playing this innocent game, I realized a few things about myself. I think it was also influenced by the fact that my friend is a therapist with some singular insights, but whatever the catalyst, when High School Musical 2 started, I was still thinking about my answers and myself rather than Zac Efron's puppy dog eyes. No, it wasn't being egotistical and vain. It was just one of those moments where you see more about yourself than you had before. Like one of the blinders you put on to survive daily life and make youself believe that "all is well" gets taken off and you see.....hmmm....maybe there is some work to be done here. For example. What would your life be like if you could live without fear? My answer? Completely different. I am ruled by fear. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of being alone. Fear of enclosed space. Fear of sharks. Some of them are funny fears, but some of them have shaped who I am today. And I don't necessarily like that. I remembered when I was a kid, I really didn't care what people thought about me. I would wear my leggins and jelly-shoes with my permed hair just because I wanted to. I was also the bossy girl who ordered the boys around the school yard and loved beating everyone to the right answer in school. That was me. And somehow, over the years, I have become enslaved to these fears that just drive me towards....I don't know what. But it's not something I'm proud of nor want to have continuing on in life. So it's time to change.

While I was musing over my life, another thing happened. A guy friend called and wanted to come over to my house. Problem was I wasn't home - and was about 30 minutes away from being home. I wanted to see him and talk, because he had a rough day and I just wanted to hug him and tell him life is gonna be okay. Unfortunately, this is the type of guy friend who I love being around and somewhere along the way, I made the unconscious decision that when he calls, I drop everything and run to his side - though I doubt he'd do the same for me. It's kind of like, you fit into his life wherever there's space and a few free minutes, but he is a major and influential part of your life. Unbalanced? Highly. Healthy? Not really. Hard to break out of? Most definitely. So we talked on the phone and I told him I did want to see him, but I was with my friend. I contemplated leaving and even asked her how much she would hate me if I bailed on her. Being the friend that she is, she understood, but I knew she would be disappointed in me if I ran off to him. What's more to the point, I knew I would be disappointed in myself if I gave in. I told him I was going to stay, and he was fine with that. He always is. That's just how it works. He said we would talk tomorrow, but of course he hasn't called. So through this all, I realized something else about myself. It's time to be ME and let him go. I can't lose myself in him and in being his friend. I think it's hard because part of me wants to be the uber supportive friend, but in doing that, I can't lose who I am to become this nebulous appendage to his person.

So what does this all have to do with the price of beans in Chile? Absolutely nothing, and yet everything. It's time I had a place to think outloud, to write all the thoughts that are swarming inside my head and threatening to take away my precious sleep time from being so overpowering, and somewhere where I can go to just be ME. I do go four-wheeling in the desert to lose myself in my thoughts. Or I go driving in my Ford Escape with the windows rolled down, jamming to my music, just to forget. But there has to be something more than forgetting or drowning out the thoughts and experiences. So, here I am blogging world. I am ready to rediscover who this Queen of Nonsense really is and I hope you'll revel in every new discovery, encourage every new experiment, and support me every step of the way, as I find out just how nonsensical life really can be.