Saying Goodbye.

So, last night was a turning point for me. Not a jubiliant, HUZZAH shouting turning point, but one which I think (I hope!) will be good in the long run. Though the tears that have been letting loose all morning show that at least for now, it’s gonna hurt. A lot. And the little girl that's inside of me is just throwing this tantrum in response to all that's been going on. So instead of breaking things or driving somewhere far far away and two stars to the right (gas is still just a little high to be filling up my Escape with every long-distance whim I get), I decided that the turmoil causing the inner tantrum needs to be voiced. And thus it can go away.

It started out with going through a dark week last week – where nothing goes right and you feel like the powers of all that is evil in the world are combined against you. Not so fun, shall we say! And the one person I needed to talk to, was being elusive, evasive, and just not there when I needed him. This caused a lot of self-analysis, because all of my emotions were just screaming out – YOU NEED HIM, when in actuality, I really didn’t. I could survive without him. And I did. (Score: Leah 1. Her emotions: 0) If he had been there, we would have talked and I would have received the wise counsel I needed and the knowledge that someone was there for me during a hard time. But he wasn’t. And that’s what started this whole thing.

I was just going to disappear off of his radar without so much as another word as to why I was completely frustrated and emotionally distraught over him. But, I couldn’t do that. I need closure. So I called him. We played the phone tag game again until about 11:45 at night, when he called. I debated whether or not I wanted to answer, and right before it went to voicemail, I answered. We talked about everything – from the heckfire I went through last week to why I was so irritated and hurt where he was concerned. It comes down to this: I care about him so much and I want so many different things from him, and he’s not there with me. Am I his friend? Most definitely. Does he care? Thankfully, yes. But beyond that, it’s no-man’s land for him. He just can’t go there, and I understand that. If it’s not there, you can’t force it, fake it, or buy it. So there it is. He told me I need to relax, to let him go, to just end this for now. I won’t be able to find what I need as long as I have this hope with him. So, let’s just take away the hope. Literally. And he was right. I already knew that and had already decided that. But it still hurts.

Some days I just wonder when I will get a break. I mean, this isn’t new to me. I’ve dealt with this sort of thing before. Just not with someone who was so close to me in so many ways. And I think that’s what’s hurting right now. Because normally when I feel this way, I call him. And I can’t. Not now. And probably not for a while.

Saying goodbye. It’s what you need to do to break free, to close that chapter of your life. Those preface chapters are still there, a part of you, but you move on- the pages turn. And you know it’s right, and you know it’s time, and though saying the word ‘bye – and meaning it- can just tear the heart up, that’s just what needs to be said. Nothing more, nothing less. But if you need to have some wallow music for the “saying goodbye” aftershocks and wallowing period, I recommend the following, from personal experience, to soothe the wounded soul: (and no mocking allowed as to where these come from, because it’s the WORDS that matter!)

Gotta Go My Own Way – High School Musical 2
Almost Lover – A Fine Frenzy
I Will Remember You – Ryan Cabrera
If We Were a Movie – Hannah Montana
Goodbye to You – Michelle Branch
Me Voy – Julieta Venegas
Hate – Plain White T’s
Sozzi- Letting Go
Les Miserables – On My Own
Leave the Pieces - The Wreckers

Any other suggestions? What do you listen to when you say goodbye?

Monday Doldrums

So, I am sitting here at work, fighting off a mind-numbing headache, and I am just watching the minutes slowly tick by. I think that's the problem with being paid by the hour - hours, seconds, the slow progression of the minute hand around the clock...it can become attention-consuming. Especially when there is nothing else to divert your attention. Let me explain. I have a great job. I really do. I get paid heads and tails above others who are doing exactly what I am. Paid benefits? I have them! My boss is incredibly kind, patient, and understanding. And the engineers I work with, contrary to popular myth, are quite hilarious and sarcastic. It's refreshing, to say the least. So what's my problem, might you ask? 18 out of the 20 days of the month I have to invent projects, assignments, or "jobs" for myself to do because there is just nothing to do! And there are days when creating something out of nothing requires so much energy, I sometime give up in defeat and watch the minute hand once again. Usually, I can keep myself somewhat occupied until the lunch hour, and then when I come back, I usually only have close to 2 hours left before Departure Time (the joys of being responsible for running the mail in are great, let me tell you) . But, unfortunately for me, the fates have conspired against me and all of the gainfully employed working population by creating the nastiest, most horrifying, disheartening enemy of us all that turns us into glaze-eyed clock watchers: MONDAYS.

The poison of Mondays starts seeping in Saturday afternoon, when I usually have the thought- "OH NO! In less than 48 hours, I will be back at my desk, getting paid to do nothing! And sitting there for 8 hours! AUGH!" I try to dismiss those thoughts as quickly as possible, because who wants a perfectly good Saturday afternoon ruined by the Monday beast? But the beast cannot be evaded for long. Because by 6:30 am, after a restful Sunday night's rest, the Monday Beast rudely forces its way back into plainsight. And the week begins.

The Monday Beast is so powerful in its de-enthusiazing ways, that work, which is usually bearable through some invention of my own, becomes all together doldrumatic. Looking up what exactly "doldrum" means (because heaven forbid I use a word inapproriately!), I found that it is indeed a word that is applicable to the Monday Blues we all experience: "A period of stagnation or slump. A period of depression or unhappy listlessness." (Dictionary.com) And so, fellow sufferers of the Monday Doldrums, I give you this ray of hope: We all experience it. You are not alone. So put in your Hairspray Soundtrack, buy a Twix, read a best-seller during your lunch break, and if worst comes to worst, day-dream that Gerard Butler will be waiting for you at home when you finally leave the Monday Doldrums of work , ready to sing to you the sweet lullabys of the Music of the Night.

The Rediscovery of One's Self

The other night I was enjoying a night of giddy, innocent, school girl fun. I haven't done that in years. My co-conspirator, Megan, and I ran outside during a microburst rainstorm and subsequently got completely, totally, and undeniably drenched. And because there were big puddles surrounding us, and as we were already dripping wet, we went puddle splashing as well. It was most entertaining, given that we were both wearing flip flops and somewhat decent clothes. But when there are puddles and frolicking in the rain, those are just mere details to be overlooked.

When we had enough of jaunting outside (or rather, when the storm cleared and the sun came back out), we changed into pj's and curled up on those big comfy couches that are smushed in just the right way after years of being sat on. We had about an hour to kill before the premier of High School Musical 2 - the entire reason we were doing this shin-dig and probably the reason we were in such a mood. My friend pulled out a game called Table Topics and we proceeded to play. This game is not a normal "I WIN" game, nor is it one for the weak-minded. It requires you to ask questions back and forth to each other, with both parties answering completely and honestly. At least, as honest as you want to be. It has the ridiculous types of questions that are completely nonsensical (and as such, right up my alley), such as your favorite part of Thanksgiving Dinner (the correct answer being the turkey sandwiches you make the day after!). Some questions delve into the deeper areas of who we are, what we want out of life, and so on. Simply thinking about these questions and formulating a single response sheds an enormous amount of insight into ourselves and the person playing with you. The best part of the game was seeing how alike Megan and I are, and we were able to have some good discussions based on these "get to know you" questions that someone put together and sold for $25.00 a case.

The funny thing is that while playing this innocent game, I realized a few things about myself. I think it was also influenced by the fact that my friend is a therapist with some singular insights, but whatever the catalyst, when High School Musical 2 started, I was still thinking about my answers and myself rather than Zac Efron's puppy dog eyes. No, it wasn't being egotistical and vain. It was just one of those moments where you see more about yourself than you had before. Like one of the blinders you put on to survive daily life and make youself believe that "all is well" gets taken off and you see.....hmmm....maybe there is some work to be done here. For example. What would your life be like if you could live without fear? My answer? Completely different. I am ruled by fear. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of being alone. Fear of enclosed space. Fear of sharks. Some of them are funny fears, but some of them have shaped who I am today. And I don't necessarily like that. I remembered when I was a kid, I really didn't care what people thought about me. I would wear my leggins and jelly-shoes with my permed hair just because I wanted to. I was also the bossy girl who ordered the boys around the school yard and loved beating everyone to the right answer in school. That was me. And somehow, over the years, I have become enslaved to these fears that just drive me towards....I don't know what. But it's not something I'm proud of nor want to have continuing on in life. So it's time to change.

While I was musing over my life, another thing happened. A guy friend called and wanted to come over to my house. Problem was I wasn't home - and was about 30 minutes away from being home. I wanted to see him and talk, because he had a rough day and I just wanted to hug him and tell him life is gonna be okay. Unfortunately, this is the type of guy friend who I love being around and somewhere along the way, I made the unconscious decision that when he calls, I drop everything and run to his side - though I doubt he'd do the same for me. It's kind of like, you fit into his life wherever there's space and a few free minutes, but he is a major and influential part of your life. Unbalanced? Highly. Healthy? Not really. Hard to break out of? Most definitely. So we talked on the phone and I told him I did want to see him, but I was with my friend. I contemplated leaving and even asked her how much she would hate me if I bailed on her. Being the friend that she is, she understood, but I knew she would be disappointed in me if I ran off to him. What's more to the point, I knew I would be disappointed in myself if I gave in. I told him I was going to stay, and he was fine with that. He always is. That's just how it works. He said we would talk tomorrow, but of course he hasn't called. So through this all, I realized something else about myself. It's time to be ME and let him go. I can't lose myself in him and in being his friend. I think it's hard because part of me wants to be the uber supportive friend, but in doing that, I can't lose who I am to become this nebulous appendage to his person.

So what does this all have to do with the price of beans in Chile? Absolutely nothing, and yet everything. It's time I had a place to think outloud, to write all the thoughts that are swarming inside my head and threatening to take away my precious sleep time from being so overpowering, and somewhere where I can go to just be ME. I do go four-wheeling in the desert to lose myself in my thoughts. Or I go driving in my Ford Escape with the windows rolled down, jamming to my music, just to forget. But there has to be something more than forgetting or drowning out the thoughts and experiences. So, here I am blogging world. I am ready to rediscover who this Queen of Nonsense really is and I hope you'll revel in every new discovery, encourage every new experiment, and support me every step of the way, as I find out just how nonsensical life really can be.